Hey, hey Mr Policeman
by dark kitsune
Summary: A series of one shots involving our favorite tactician. Rated for the occasional bad word, stupid Lambo tricks and perverted science bots. Cast and crew: Prowl, Jazz, Red Alert, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe and now...Perceptor.
1. Stupid Lambo tricks

A/N: Just a silly little fic that popped into my head while listening to Brad Paisley's "Hey, hey Mr. Policeman." Seemed like a fitting song for the twins and Prowl...so this sorta leaked out of my brain.

* * *

"Hey Sunny" Sideswipe poked his brother in the arm, attempting to get his attention. Sunstreaker continued to hold the custom N64 controller, quickly pushing the oversized buttons and ignore his twin.

"Oh Suuuuneeeee" Sideswipe continued to prod.

With a growl Sunstreaker paused the game and glared at his brother. "What?"

"I've been thinking"

"Hn. I thought I smelled something burning." Sunstreaker mumbled.

Sideswipe ignored the remark and forged ahead now that he had his brother's attention. "So yeah, I've been thinking that Prowl has been kinda bored lately."

"Bored? Are you dense? He's Primes second in command. He has too much to do to be bored." The yellow Lamborghini stated flatly. Sideswipe contemplating Prowl and the tactician's moods was always a recipe for disaster and Sunstreaker wanted no part of whatever harebrained ideas his twin had.

"Well yeah. I know he's busy…but the work he does is pretty dull." Sideswipe countered.

"Sides. Prowl is pretty dull, the work suits him perfectly."

"Even so – I think he needs a little action in his life. Something to get him out of his routine." The red Lamborghini stated with a mischievous grin.

"Forget it bit brain, I want nothing to do with your schemes." Sunstreaker frowned.

"Man, Sunny that hurts." Sideswipe affected a kicked puppy look. "Since when do I scheme?" Sunstreaker would have rolled his optics at that if he could.

"Don't you at least want to hear my proposal? Come on bro…it's nothing bad. It will be fun!"

* * *

Prowl sat in car form on the side of the rural highway reviewing recent reports he had stored in his databanks. The cruiser wasn't hidden…in fact he made sure to park in a prominent location. The local highway patrol had experienced recent budget cuts and their resources were stretched too thin. Prowl, at Primes' request, had offered to become a visual deterrent to the humans who sped along the dangerous and lonely stretch of road so the officers could focus on more populated areas. It was a perfect set up; he got time away from the Ark and was still able to complete his reports for Optimus.

It was a chilly spring day but the sun warmed his chassis. Prowls' engine rumbled quietly as he watched the occasional car pass by, brake lights flashing and cell phones quickly being dropped in empty passenger seats when the humans saw him. He paid them little heed as long as their speed wasn't excessive, the humans driving habits were unimportant to him so long as they didn't endanger one another.

The day wore on and the Autobot tactician was nearly finished with his last report when his sensors picked up two vehicles moving towards his location at a high rate of speed. 'No, scratch that, not two vehicles…two Autobots', Prowl thought sourly when he recognized the energy signatures. Cresting the hill were two Lamborghinis, one a Primus awful crayon yellow and the other an equally obnoxious shade of red.

"They better have Decepticons on their afts." The second in command muttered as the twins came roaring up to him, slamming on their brakes and fishtailing to a stop just ahead of his spot on the side of the road.

"Hey Prowler!" Sideswipe yelled over the internal communication lines "Eat our dust!"

With a whoop and spinning of tires, Sideswipe peeled out with his brother following close behind. If Prowl had been in robot form he was sure his jaw would have dropped. The tactician sat there for a brief moment, his logic processors trying to figure out just what the slag had transpired.

"What on Cybertron are they up to?" Prowl rumbled as he peeled out after the two miscreants, lights flashing and siren wailing.

It didn't take long for the Datsun to catch up to the Lamborghini twins, which made it obvious to Prowl that they had purposely slowed down so he could catch up. Opening up a comm. line the tactician hailed the twins. 'Sideswipe. Sunstreaker. State the purpose of your excessive speeding.' Prowl heard barely contained snickering over the line as the only answer before the twins sped up leaving him in a cloud of dust. The distant voice of Sideswipe rang out through the damp Oregon air as their tail lights grew smaller. "Can't catch us Prowler!"

Very few mechs knew of Prowls' competitive streak. In fact only Prime and Jazz knew. Optimus because of his long tradition of playing holo chess with the leader, and Jazz because….well Jazz knew everything about everyone. Now Prowl wasn't usually one to take any of the twins baiting even if he was competitive, but the tactician reasoned to himself that he didn't need a public relations snafu on his hands and that's exactly what he would get if the local law caught wind of this. With a burst of speed that would surprise his fellow 'bots (except Jazz), Prowl flew down the lonely stretch of road determined to put an end to the twins' ridiculous behavior.

* * *

"So…do you think we lost him? I mean…this isn't gonna be much fun if he can't keep up." Sideswipe mused aloud.

"His alt mode is a Datsun, what exactly do you expect ya stupid fragger?" Sunstreaker grumbled. "There isn't going to be a chase. The only thing that gonna happen is we are going to get a verbal beat down from him when we get back to base."

Sideswipe sunk a little lower on his tires and slowed down. "Well at least it's a nice day for a drive." He offered lamely and quickly dodged when his brother nearly ran him off the road. Sideswipe quickly transformed and back handed his twins front bumper. "Watch it ya damned pit spawned fragger!"

Sunstreaker sat quietly in his alt mode for a few seconds while Sideswipe quickly back pedaled. "Uh…gee Sunny, I didn't think that would scratch your pai….AUGH!" The yellow twin had transformed and tackled his brother, both mechs tumbling off the road and into a nearby ditch.

Sunstreaker straddled his twins chassis and grabbed his head with both hands, forcing his line of sight to his chest. "You slag head! Look what you did to my paint!" Slamming Sideswipes head back into the dirt, the yellow Lamborghini got up and kicked him in the leg for good measure. "Stupid, bit brained, slag faced…" Sunstreaker's tirade faded away when he heard the screaming engine of a very fragged off superior officer.

"Uh Sideswipe?"

"Yeah bro?"

"Run."

The two brothers transformed and raced off as Prowl quickly gained on them. "Turn up the juice Sunny! He's gaining on us!" Sideswipe laughed as he and his brother ate up the road.

* * *

It didn't take a genius to figure out that the twins were playing "keep away" with him and Prowl was quickly losing patience with their game. The second in command opened up a channel to base, hailing the few 'bots that had a chance of catching the two Lamborghinis.

"Red Alert. Jazz. Your assistance is requested at this location, I'm sending the coordinates now."

"Prowler my man! What's goin on?" Jazz's friendly voice transmitted first.

"This had better be important Prowl. I have a base to watch…there could be a Decepticon infiltration at any moment!" Red Alert replied in a huff.

"I seem to be the butt of a Lamborghini twin joke…" Prowl swallowed his pride and continued "…and I am having difficulty catching up to them."

There was a moment of silence and Prowl could have sworn he heard giggling coming from Jazz's line. The tactician frowned as he continued speeding down the lonely highway. "If I have to make this an order I will. I don't need those two idiots causing problems with the local law enforcers."

"Relax Prowler I'm plotting an intercept course as we speak." Prowl could hear the laughter in Jazz's voice. "I'll, as the humans say in their western movies, head 'em off at the pass."

"And you, Red Alert?" Prowl inquired.

"I'm already on my way sir. Anything to get back at those two bit brains. Why just the other day they had the gall to spray this noxious, sticky material all over my security cameras! Do you realize the damage it could have cost if I hadn't removed it in time? Not to mention the number of Decepticon spies that could have gotten past the downed cameras!" Red's voice rose ever higher with each passing second as he went off on a tangent.

"Chill out Red. It was only silly string." Jazz laughed over the comm. effectively cutting off the security officers tirade for approximately five earth seconds.

"Chill out? Jazz, I can't believe you're not taking this more seriously…and just how exactly do you know it was silly string? That information was never made available…"

"That's enough you two." Prowl cut off the blossoming temper fit. "Jazz, what's your ETA?"

"I'm headin for a valley about five miles ahead of our two favorite front liners. Red's right behind me Prowler." Jazz sent a burst of data over the internal lines. "Perfect ambush location, this should be fun." The saboteur chuckled.

"I see nothing fun about this." Red Alert mumbled. "Those two should get time in the brig for this…"

"I will personally see to their punishment." Prowl cut off the security officers' rant. "I should be arriving at your location within ten minutes, the twins should be there in five."

"Roger that boss bot. See ya when ya get here." Jazz quipped.

* * *

"This is stupid." Sunstreaker griped yet again. "He's got to be at least 10 miles behind us…and we're not even topping out in speed."

"Oh relax your gears bro; at least we're not stuck inside the ark."

"I was perfectly content playing Conker's Bad Fur day you aft head…I had no desire for a stroll through the country side."

"Well it seemed like fun at the time…WHAT THE SLAG?!" Sideswipe crested a steep hill and hit his brakes, sending a spray of road dirt onto Sunstreakers' hood.

"Watch what you're doing you glitch mouse!" The yellow Lamborghini cut his rant short when he saw what his twin stopped for. Blocking the highway were Jazz and Red Alert in vehicle mode with Prowl's energy signature fast approaching. The twins hastily transformed and stared at the Porche and fellow Lamborghini with apprehension.

'Hey Sunny?' Sideswipe said through their personal communication link. 'How fragged off would Prowl have to be to call in reinforcements?'

'Well gee Siders…why don't you ask him since he'll be here in about two minutes.' Sunstreaker growled back at his twin.

Sideswipe looked from his twin to Red Alert and Jazz and back to his twin again.

"Forget it Sides. Our Sunday scenic drive is over." Sunstreaker shoved his twin out of the way and slowly headed toward Jazz.

"Oh no it isn't!" Sideswipe grabbed his brothers hand and drug him toward the thick forest at the side of the road, cackling the entire time. "Time for plan B!"

"Plan B? There is no plan B you idiot!" Sunstreaker argued while trying to free himself from his twins grasp.

"There is now!" Waggling his digits in a parody of a wave at the approaching Datsun, the red Lamborghini yelled out. "You're it Prowl!" Sideswipe laughed when the tactician transformed just as he and his brother disappeared into the woods.

Prowl frowned at Jazz and Red Alert. "I'm…it?"

* * *

2.6 earth hours later…

The dinobots were rounded up by Wheeljack and Ratchet after they offered to burn down the forest for easy lambo retrieval…

Inferno and Red Alert were busy finishing up with the small brush fire that resulted from the dinobots enthusiasm…

The aerialbots were headed back to base after offering air visual support to the ground troops who assisted in the now infamous hide and seek hunt…

Jazz was speaking to the human officials, offering apologies and explanations…

The entire mini bot team was standing triumphantly on the side of the road with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker sandwiched in the center…

And finally, Prowl stood next to Optimus, arms crossed while he spoke to his commanding officer…with an occasional stern look thrown at the twins for good measure.

Sideswipe leaned over to his brother and whispered. "Do you think they'll put us in the brig for this?"


	2. Sherlock Prowl

Well I've decided to make a series of one shots involving our favorite tactician. Warning for...uh...robot masturbation.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one. Y'all are the best!

* * *

"Um…Prowl?" Spike had timidly made his way into the control room, inching up to the tactician before making his presence known with that particularly stunning opening statement.

Prowl had, of course, known Sparkplug's son was in the room the moment he set foot inside but he had the good grace to look mildly surprised when the boy stammered for his attention. "Hello Spike. If you're looking for Bumblebee…."

Spike waved his hands in front of him as if warding off a cloud of flying insects. "Oh…oh no, I wasn't looking for Bee. I know he's on patrol right now." The boy cleared his throat. "I uh…I was actually looking for you."

Prowl raised an optic ridge at that and silently wondered what had the boy so flustered. "And what did you need to see me about?"

"Well, ya see...I seem to have lost something and Iwaswonderingifyoucouldhelpmefindit." The words rushed out and Spike gulped audibly. "Uh…that is, unless you're busy. Or something."

"Spike?"

"Yes Prowl?"

"I'm not going to bite you, you know." Prowl crossed his arms and looked at the young man who for some unfathomable reason was usually nervous around him.

Spike let out a breath he had been holding in. "Sorry Prowl…I just figured you didn't like to be bothered with human type stuff…or well, you know." The youngest Witwicky then grew animated with aggravation, flailing his arms in the air for emphasis. "But if I don't find my calculator my dad is gonna kill me!"

"A calculator? Surely your father can give you another if you've lost it. From what I've seen, they are fairly common household items." Prowl reasoned with him. He then understood why the boy was hesitant in the first place; Spike surely knew he would have no desire to go on a human gadget treasure hunt.

Spike deflated a bit but then he made one more attempt to recruit the tactician. "Well yeah, normal calculators are a dime a dozen…but this is a _scientific_ calculator! They're like, I dunno, 150 bucks!" Spike looked around the control room as if to make sure they were still alone. "What if someone stole it?"

Prowl scoffed at the very idea and looked peevishly at the boy by his feet. "You surely can't be implying that an Autobot would steal your calculator? What in Primus' name would we need it for?"

The Witwicky boy backpedaled a bit and had the good sense to look chastised. "Well ok, maybe not stealing…but someone could have hidden it as a joke. Or…or maybe it got mixed up in some parts bin or something. Right?" He looked up at Prowl with hope. "I really need it for my calculus homework and I'm not kidding when I say my dad will blow a gasket if he finds out I've lost it."

"All right Spike, I will help you find it but I still seriously doubt it was taken by anyone." Prowl stacked his data pads together, clearing the monitor space for the next 'bot on call and motioned the boy to follow him.

* * *

While the idea of using his powers of deduction for finding a simple human gadget was laughable, Prowl never did anything half way. He compiled a list of the usual suspects which consisted all of two bots, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. If the calculator was hidden as a joke then talking to those two miscreants was the most obvious starting place. The SIC made his way through the Ark to the twins quarters and almost smiled when Spike mumbled something about "taking a leak and meeting up later in the rec room" and took off in the opposite direction. The twins didn't dislike the young boy…but Prowl imagined that Spike was rather intimidated by Sunsteaker's "glare 'o doom" and didn't want to be the lucky recipient. Upon pressing the door's comm. button and announcing himself the tactician heard muffled expletives and something that sounded suspiciously like contraband being hidden.

"Uh…just a nanosec Prowl. Sir." Sideswipe's voice came through the comm. and moments later the door slid open with Sideswipe blocking the view to the room and Sunstreaker in the background shuffling…something.

Prowl raised himself up on the tips of his pedes and tried to glance over Sideswipes shoulder. Sideswipe shifted in a not so subtle move to keep the room hidden.

"So, uh…what can we do for you Prowl?" The red twin grinned nervously and did his best to completely fill the door space with his body.

"I am looking for a missing item. Perhaps you can help me, or are you too busy rearranging the furniture in there?" Prowl deadpanned.

"Rearranging furniture? Oh…oh yeah! We are moving some stuff around, right Sunny?" Sideswipe turned to his brother who gave him an "all clear" nod which prompted the red Lambo to finally move and let the tactician in.

Prowl would have rolled his optics if he had been able to. Sideswipe was a master prankster…but a horrible liar. "It seems that Spike's calculator has gone missing. Apparently it's an expensive item and it would be…unfortunate if it wasn't found." The SIC looked from one twin to the other and noted the immediate looks of confusion followed by obvious relief.

"A calculator? What in slags name would we want with a calculator?" Sunstreaker recovered from his surprise first and quickly became his usual (un)cheerful self.

"Yeah Prowl…I mean, why would we need it?" Sideswipe interjected.

Prowl raised an optic ridge. "I never said anything about needing it. I was asking if you _misplaced_ it." The tactician emphasized the word "misplaced" – a not so subtle way of asking if they hid it. Although after seeing their initial reactions Prowl doubted that they had anything to do with it. The twins gave him blank looks and a synchronized shake of their heads.

"Very well then. If you do come across it, please let me know." Prowl turned to leave. "Oh and Sideswipe?"

"Yeah Prowl?"

"You have one solar cycle to clear the high grade out of here. If I find so much as a drop tomorrow, you're both going back to the brig." Prowl left without so much backwards glance but couldn't help but smirk at the sound of the two front liners muttering apologies and explanations in his wake.

* * *

After the twins, Prowl met up with a decidedly sheepish Spike and they made their rounds through the Ark. The Mini bots were next on the docket as the tacticians reasoning decided that they could possibly hide it so the twins were pinned for the "crime".

"Why the slag would we take a calculator?" Cliffjumper huffed.

"Yeah. And besides we've been out at target practice all morning." Gears crossed his arms and frowned.

Prowl verified with Spike how long the calculator had been missing…and it was clear that the Mini bots didn't take it.

"I didn't think they would." Spike said as they walked out of the rec room. "Bee's pretty tight with all of them…and that sorta extends to me."

Prowl nodded. "I'm simply taking this from a most likely to least likely suspect route. They may like you, but there is a lot of animosity between the Mini bots and the twins."

And so the morning went on. After the Mini bots, the Dino bots were questioned. Prowl figured the Dino's would see it as a toy and take it to play with. When asked, blank looks from all five of them was Prowls reward and the tactician wondered if they even knew what a calculator was. Scratching the Dinos off his mental check list, the SIC and Spike started looking through parts bins and trash receptacles then moved on to questioning various bots that weren't on duty on whether or not they had seen it. An hour into the adventure and Prowl was beginning to wonder why he had agreed to this particular form of torture. The tactician didn't get much free time and this little foray was eating into what little time he had.

"You know…Wheeljack said he hadn't seen Perceptor in a while." Spike mused aloud. "I sure don't think Percy would take it but maybe he's seen it. I mean, if he's been working in his lab then there's a good chance that it may have found its way there."

Prowl bowed his head once in agreement. "Yes. It's possible another bot brought it to the lab thinking it belonged there." The SIC looked down at Spike and spoke in a tone that brooked no argument. "However if it's not there, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your father."

Spike nodded glumly. "Yeah…that's what I was afraid of."

* * *

In retrospect Prowl surmised he should have heeded the warning signs. Perceptor didn't respond to the hails over the comm. system. The lab door was locked…a door that was never locked in normal situations. The "odd" sounds emanating from behind said door. Yes, the signs were all there but the tactician's CPU refused to connect the hinted at action to Perceptor; an obvious mistake.

Overriding the door security code took only a moment and Prowl was greeted by a sight he never expected to see – and never wanted to see again. Leaning heavily against a work station was a blissfully unaware Perceptor, with what appeared to be Spikes calculator in his hand. The device's USB cable was plugged directly into the microscope Transformer and cascades of electricity fell away from him as he gripped the table and went sailing into overload just as the door opened fully. For a moment the tactician wondered just how such a simple human device could be used as a stimulus…but cut off the line of thought before it took root. It wouldn't do to have his battle computer short out at a time like this.

The SIC's leg had automatically shifted to block the young Witwicky from the sight as soon as Prowl saw just exactly what happened to the "missing" calculator.

"Hey Prowl? Uh…you're blocking the way. What's going on?" Spike leaned against the tactician's leg, hands on the cool metal and feet on the tips of his toes.

"I'm sorry Spike but it appears you'll have to tell your father that the calculator is gone." Prowl took note of the look of utter dejection on the boy's face and added. "I will send a message to the local electronics store, you'll be able to pick another one up…no charge." Prowl spoke as he gently pushed the boy backwards and shut the door.

"No charge? What exactly was going on in there? Did Percy have it?" Spike looked to the door with a thoughtful frown.

"I'm afraid Perceptor was doing some…experiments on it. I believe a new device is necessary." The SIC herded the young man towards the Ark's entrance. "Come on, I'll drive you there myself."

"Gee thanks Prowl! You're a lifesaver."

"…..indeed."


End file.
